The other night I dreamt I was seduced into the midst of a sexual orgy with a group of mutants with physical, mental, spiritual, and/or social deformities that, at first, made them unapproachable and, in some cases, either physically irresistibly attractive or repulsively unattractive.
The setting was an immense mansion with polished wood everything, antique furniture, renaissance art on the walls, French doors for every room, marble floors, and brass fixtures. My only guess at the time was that some perv had an affliction or mutation, or a family member with such, and also lots, and lots of money. Did I mention this whole swaré was in a somewhat locked away basement?
The longer I stayed and watched, the more I participated. The more I participated and interacted, the more I noticed the connections I was making with each of them, while still completely confusing to me, were the things I was relying on to negotiate the miasma of confusion, discomfort, and sense of otherness I was lost in.
The dream ended uneventfully, but lasted a long time.
The next night I was dreaming that I was learning to fly in my dreams (I knew it was a dream). Usually I forcefully swim through the air, using my arms and legs to keep myself up, while the slightest, mistimed whoosh of limbs would send me slamming, hard into the ground with an uncomfortable bounce and skid when I hit.
Something in this dream was telling me to use the natural currents and be unafraid of the fall, if it happens. You will learn, it told me, you will always have to put every ounce of effort into flying if avoiding the fall (and violent land that follows) is the goal of your efforts.
And I can fly in my dreams with something like mastery if avoiding the fucking fall can be considered mastery. Usually I’m two feet off the ground and falling in a desired direction without ever hitting the ground. Sometimes I’m soaring and falling in alternation with falling and crashing as the final result.
Well, in this dream this something was telling me to “follow the currents” and somehow I knew what that meant and I was able to fucking pick up on an effortless current to soar carelessly higher and higher, then back down through a Zion National Park landscape with deciduous trees in that Fall stage where there are green to red to yellow leaves covering every tree.
But the canyon I was flying through was tough to navigate and I kept leaping back to my known measures for avoiding crashes. This was antithetical to “follow the current”, so pretty soon I was frequently crashing, hard, into the ground.
On my final attempt at “following the current”, I was able to make it quite high and then turn around to find and follow it again down through the canyon (which is what I was doing in previous attempts). I found a barely detectable current and followed/fell along it straight along to the face of a cliff and suddenly lost the current.
This sent me tumbling, inertially, toward the rock face — in which there happened to be a gigantic cave opening. As I approached at terminal velocity (probably) I could see expensive furniture, large rooms with double doors, and renaissance art.
I screamed, “No! I don’t want to go back into that dream!” as I crash landed into the cliff-side-view room. Immediately the woman from the previous night’s dream who had been inexplicably most obsessed with me throuout it came rushing in to greet me.
I stared into her eyes for a sec to make sure it was actually the same person. It was, so I woke up.
The possibly pertinent context of this post is that my marriage is ending. We’re miles away from figuring out how to split custody, child support, living accommodations, roles. Daycare for our boys is huge and we’re broke. I’m against the divorce, but she’s for it and it seems to me she’s been for it for 6 years or so, which is also how long we’ve been married. I have the best job I’ve ever had, but I’m in way over my head. I think I can catch up, but there are no guarantees and I get no feedback from my superiors or peers (other than the occasional snicker during code reviews).
All of our savings has been spent on medical expenses for our two sons, our new cat, that fucking car, and her orthodontia. While she has parents with the means to help her out when she falls short, I am the first to break the mold in my family and be the first man to do something more than either spend his life in and out of jail, producing babies he can’t/won’t support, dying of an overdose, or just having no record of his involvement in the continuation of our species. This leaves me without a parental safety net.
My life could fall to pieces if I suddenly have to come up with $2000 or lose some portion of my stability. And the fact that she’s been a stay-at-home mom for over 5 years now makes it impossible for us to just part ways and split custody, no-fault, no-foul.